Crewless or Cluless?

The christian life was considered by Paul as running a race (1 Co 9:24; 2 Tim 4:7).

These last few years' events have created great need for perseverance along with endurance.

I have desired to run the race; "hit the ground running", move "full speed ahead" and not be slowed down by allowing myself to be a victim of circumstance or consequence. I know that when trials ensue; the Lord has a purpose and people are observing not only how I run but also what the Lord will accomplish through it.

Struggling and fatigued, I continued to run often thinking of the great cloud of witnesses (Heb 12:1) and the audience of my life and not wanting to let either down. Some in my audience have exited and become part of that cloud of witnesses; I miss them and feel great loss.

As I cried out to a friend in recent days and confessed to her that I no longer want to be strong - that I feel it is required of me to be strong, how burdening that responsibility felt to me. She asked me what I think that means.

I told her that I must not stop. I must keep going. I must lead with outstanding victory. Surely if I did, all would see how the Lord is fueling me. She prodded me to think of what "strength" looks like to me and basically I concluded with "not needing help."

At the same time, I have been feeling incredibly lonely; without true fellowship and accountability. I want to share the testimonies God has given me to give Him glory, but I also need to be encouraged and held accountable in the discipline of "working out my faith" and through the sanctification process.

I thought of a race-car driver. The racer stops. The racer has a pit crew. The racer has a better chance of completing the race as a champion with a crew he can count on and a crew that keeps him on "pit stop" schedule.

I felt that I was crewless. I wanted to stop the race for respite, repair, refueling...even to rejoice in how far I've come thus far. But where was my crew?

I called out to God and I cried to my friend. I lie prostrate through the evening into dawn meditating on the Word of God and allowed it to instruct me. I prayed for strengthening IN HIM and I prayed that he would give me a purpose; and that to fulfill that purpose faithfully, I asked him to equip me.

With swollen and red eyes, I went through the day receiving one encouragement after another. Distant and close friends reaching out to me like waves on a sea shore, grace for grace.

I don't know much about racing so I looked up "pit crew" using Google. I found this on Wikipedia:

In motorsports, a pit stop is where a racing vehicle stops in the pits during a race for refuelling, new tires, repairs, mechanical adjustments, a driver change, or any combination of the above. By making pit stops cars can carry less fuel, and therefore be lighter and faster, and use softer tires that wear faster but provide more grip. Teams usually plan for each of their cars to pit following a planned schedule, the number of stops determined by the fuel capacity of the car, tire lifespan, and tradeoff of time lost in the pits versus how much time may be gained on the race track through the benefits of pit stops. Choosing the optimum pit strategy of how many stops to make and when to make them is crucial in having a successful race. It is also important for teams to take competitors' strategies into account when planning pit stops, to avoid being "held up" behind other cars and unable to overtake them. An unscheduled or extended stop, such as for a repair, can be very costly for a driver's chance of success, because while the car is stopped for service, cars remaining on the track can rapidly gain distance on the stopped car.

I was convicted. I confess now that I am not crewless; I was clueless.

It is okay for me to recognize areas in which I need help. It is okay to ask for that help. It is okay for me to stop, even better if I schedule one. It is ok for me to have a team and to know the value each member brings. If I don't...I will run on empty, I will crash, I will burn; I will lose the race and I will not have part in victory. Though I have been running and running and running (on pride); I have been overtaken by the obstacles I ignorantly thought I could run over. Breaking down can be very costly when pursuing excellence! How can I run a race without acknowledging there will be pits? I am learning it is ok to recognize when in a pit. Sometimes life is the pits! But that doesn't mean the race is lost. It does not mean there is no help. It does not mean I am a lone. God promises that!

Thanks be to God for strategically placing people in my life; whether they be in the audience, the time keeper, the sponsors, the pit crew members, the great cloud of witnesses - for with their help I continue to run the race.

I shall not overlook them going forward.

Choose LIFE

The cost of a pregnancy test-$18.99

The cost of an "early termination" (abortion) - $695.00

The cost of hope - $0.00

The gift of life -priceless

I was surprised when the test showed two pink lines. I was absolutely crushed when offered early termination. I chose to HOPE that the Lord would equip me in losing my baby (after losing her twin) at 20 weeks, that he would sustain me through grief, that he would empower me to care for a baby born with Trisomy 18, that he would equip me in caring for a child without a face or heart ventricle. I am richer and blessed beyond measure because I chose life. Abby is 3 months today and her beauty comes from knowing (Truly Blelieving) the oath and grace of God.

...that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God. ~1 Corinthians 2:5

Unite or Die

Capturing the WILL and the Essence of Americans who fight for liberty and unification -

I wanted to share this video/commercial with my few, but faithful followers! :-)

I figure my blog is a safe place to share my political convictions without warranting a slew of backlashing!

I haven't been able to attend a local tea party yet - but definitely want to do so soon!

Besides a political agenda - this is also a wonderful testimony to the American will and how we as a country - and some special citizens - have responded to history in the making!

From a Biblical point of view - I can only share this verse:

Proverbs 21:1 The king's heart is a stream of water in the hand of the Lord;
he turns it wherever he will.

Bling Ring

This is my "please do not judge me" ring.
My wedding ring was sold so I could provide for my children the first time my husband left me. It was very hard for me to do.
Ever since, I constantly feel that people are judging me when they meet me or see me. They saw me with Noam, pregnant, and now with two kids in tow and look straight down at my hand to see if there is a ring.
So. I'm not married, but...I missed having a ring on my finger.
I miss being somebody's.
It sparkles.
I hope I do, too.
It's fake.
I hope I am not

A Day Away

I need a day ...

...with a babysitter for my kids

...and some time away - preferably with a friend

but...

...babysitters aren't free

...and no one wants to be with me (sneeze, sneeze, cough cough)

so I turned my day away into a nice hot shower.

Nice thought, but two minutes into my intended half hour, I heard two different cries called out for mama.

I need a day away. Why is that so hard to say? It's very hard to admit, but I'm saying it -

to everyone, to no one

ok, so I cried...for like...10 seconds

It's been a pretty good day. Not great, but not dull...

• ran into my neighbor again who stole my son's clothes


• cleaned the kitchen and mopped the floor and wiped down all the cabinet doors and re-arranged the cupboards...only to have to do the cleaning and mopping and wiping all over again THREE MORE TIMES! :(


• got my legal paperwork. My status change was official on August 25, 2009 and I did not even know it...now I need to trek to the SSA and Secretary of State to become myself all over again


• Abigael threw up about 8 ounces of milk on me


• Losing my milk supply and have been furiously pumping for the last two days to get it all back and my sister just told me that it's because I've been sick and it will ALL come back naturally when I'm good and healthy again...darn, cuz I was waking myself up every two hours to pump even in the middle of the night


• My son threw a fist at my eye...and hit the target


• a friend accused me of ignoring her becuase it took me more than 6 hours to respond to her


• my two must not miss tv shows just had to start at the doggone same time so my dvr got confused and just quit


• went into my sons bedroom only to find he was not there...he was in MY room along with about two bottles of baby powder, diaper rash cream and baby lotion on my bed, walls and floor.


• it smells really good in my room


• have two possible nannying gigs - income would be a good thing, I need a pair of shoes


• my back, neck and shoulders feel like they're made of cement. I can barely turn my neck or move my arms, can't even shrug...so I cried. for about 10 seconds because I realized...

I get to go to sleep and wake up to a whole new day!

A Fable about Will Folley (by me)

Once upon a time there was a man named Will Folley. He lived in a town called Choices in the land of Kanseckwencess. Will did not like Choices or Kanseckwencess so he packed his bags and left everything and every one that he knew and journeyed long and far in search of something better. He did not know where he was going and he had no idea where he wanted to go; he had never been out of Choices before, but he knew he didn't want to be anywhere near Kanseckwencess.After a few very long days of trekking and climbing he came upon what seemed to be a hiking path going into the wilderness, but there was a wooden sign on a tree that said Needle's Eye St. He thought maybe it would take him out of the familiar land of Kanseckwencess and somewhere better! He journeyed a few more days and felt like he was going nowhere. He stopped to rest under a great Oak tree and saw a little wooden sign on the ground with an arrow that said, "This way to Haven".
After resting, he followed the path that the sign led to and within hours he came upon a very small town called Grace. Grace was in a whole new land called Love. Will immediately thought that the town looked inviting and decided to stop, at least to get a night's rest and satisfy his growing hunger.
There was only this one street in this town of Grace. The street (if you can call it that) had started in the valley and ended at the peak of Mount Haven. Grace seemed very small, nothing significant, with it's one little diner called Bread and Water, one hotel, one small church and one coal mine where all the men worked.
Will plunked himself down in a booth at Bread and Water eager to quench his thirst and feed his hunger. As he was getting himself settled, a crowd of men came pouring in for it was lunch time for all the coal miners. Will felt uneasy and thought maybe he should leave, surely if he kept going there would be another town nearby. He did not feel like being with people, let alone people he didn't know and who all knew he each other. He was sure that he stuck out like a sore thumb and was not in the mood to be eye-balled and judged. He stood up to gather his things, but as he did so, a man greeted him with a large pitcher of water filled to the brim and overflowing. The man gave the pitcher of water to Will and sat down in the booth while Will stood and downed the water to the very last drop. "Wow," said Will, "that's so refreshing!". "More where that came from," the man said. He told Will to sit down and asked him where he was from. Will told him that he had left Choices in Kanseckwencess. The man nodded knowingly, paused and asked, "Do you know where you are going?" Will laughed. "Can't say, I don't really know." "Well," said the man, "You should stay here in Grace until you know, until you know for sure. No sense in going somewhere if you don't know where you're going."
Before long, the other men crowded around and eagerly introduced themselves. They welcomed Will and showed him great hospitality. After being filled by Bread and Water alone, he decided he would at least stay for the night. A shower and a good night's sleep sounded pretty good.
He checked into the hotel, and just as he was preparing to take his anticipated shower, there was a knock at his door. He cautiously looked into the peep hole and was surprised to see all the men he had met earlier at the diner. He opened the door and greeted them, happy to see them which surprised him. They told Will that they had a surprise for him and asked him if they could take him somewhere. They took him to a beautiful piece of land surrounded by trees and gardens with a stream running through it.
"We all have our homes and families. This here land is the only unclaimed property and it's free to whomever wants it and takes it for their own. If you want to stay in Grace, take this land and we'll help you build your home. We know how hard Choices and Kanseckwencess are and we'd like to help you start a new life in Grace. We can get you all the lumber and tools and nails and paint and wood - anything you need - and we'll all chip in and do the work with you. Won't cost you a thing but time and sweat." Will could not believe what he was hearing. This was unbelievable! He answered their offer emphatically, "Yea, of course! I'd be a fool to turn down an offer like this!" "Ok!" that man said, "we'll see you at the crack of dawn and get started!" They talked a while about what Will envisioned his dream house to be and each of the men offered what they could bring. Will quietly excused himself, eager to take that shower and get some rest.
The next day, at the crack of dawn, all the men gathered on the property with all the tools and equipment they needed. Will was not there. Will was sound asleep. The men worked so hard getting the field tilled and cleared for the foundation to be laid that they did not even notice Will's absence.
After a few more days of more work, the home was nearly complete requiring only a few finishing touches. The men needed to return to their work at the coal mine and their families were also eager to have them home in the evenings. The found Will at his hotel and told him he would need to finish the job on his own. They told him everything he needed was already there and if he had any questions, they were just a few blocks away. Will was grateful for all they'd done and could not wait to move into his new home.
Will worked a few hours a day for about a week until he became very bored with the slow progress. He was frustrated because he felt like he didn't know what he was doing and needed more direction. He burned inside and started to feel angry that those men had left him with all this responsibility to handle on his own. The work was just too hard and he would call on the men, but they were always too busy. Either they were at work, at that church or with their families. The more he thought about the position they put him in the more angry he became. He grew depressed and discouraged and finally decided to move on. "After all", he thought, "it's not like I'm losing out on anything but time and something I never had anyway." So Will packed his bags and left Grace in the middle of the night.
Will walked Needle's Eye until he came to a road called If Only. He thought it would take him to the point of Mount Haven...but he was very wrong.
Will walked and traveled far. He seemed to have more energy as he thought about how those men had completely set him up to fail. He burned and burned and thought "if only they had shown me how to use those tools or helped me one more day, I'd have that house. That beautiful land and that home would be mine!" Yes, his thoughts were definitely fueling him to keep on going - as far away as he could get from those horrible men. He walked and walked and stumbled a lot. Will was even more frustrated because it seemed that no light shone through on If Only.
Finally he came to a clearing and saw an intersection. He knew these streets, just not from this direction. But there they were, Compromise, Complacent and Comfortable street. He knew those three streets led back to Choices and Kanseckwencess, but he was way too tired to backtrack all the way through that town of Grace and Needle's Eye to find the way to Mount Haven. So, Will hiked his backpack up and sadly, Folley made his way back to bad Choices and awful Kanseckwencess.

Quote of the Day

"You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves you too full to embrace the present"

One thing I believe people "clutch" is pain, regret and anger. Do you allow trivial and petty mishaps, words, deeds to raddle you to the core, do you constantly recite them and ruminate on it and maybe even alter what happened to feed your pride? Do you memorize each offense and replay those offenses day after day all day long? I know someone like this. He is the most unhappy person I have ever met. If you were to give him the gift of his dreams, he would take it and then go pout in a corner because he had to go his entire lifetime without anyone having the heart to do that for him before...(seriously missing the point!) Days, months, years can go by and this person cannot forgive his offenders, no matter what the offense and more often than not, ignoring his own offensive actions.

My children conceived through a very short marriage should be considered a gift to always embrace. It is a terrible, terrible shame that my new baby girl, my little miracle - is completely and utterly neglected by her father because he cannot move past his anger toward me. He told me he is sad because he misses his son, but has refused to acknowledge that he has a daughter. A long time ago, he told me he regretted not having been in his firstborn child's life (a daughter) so he would like to have a daughter...Now he has one, but she's not convenient...in fact, she's a mistake. So I had to question why he "misses" his son. He is certainly able to see him, inquire of him, spend time with him, talk to him on the phone, provide and care for him! The fact is, he has denied his children because in order to be a part of his life, he has to have contact with me, the wife undeserving of forgiveness. What a shame...but it is his choice...

"Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and wanting someone else to be harmed or die from it."

Ask Me No Questions, I'll Tell You No Lies

Before and After (2.5 weeks after and 30 lbs lighter)

Everyone has to come to grips with reality sometime. Some look in the mirror and see something other than what is staring back at them; denial can be a fierce enemy.

Either you see yourself as a monster and hate everything about yourself or you see something you adore. It seems to me, that it is black and white, but changing daily...one day everything just had to go! and the next day I'd tell myself, Ok - so you're not America's next top model but you're fine, you're ok....I never thought I was obese - I did not have any size X clothes, I did not ever shop in the plus size departments...but I also did not consider the fact that I weighed more than most people I know who are at least 6 inches taller. If a camera adds ten pounds, everyone looking at me had two cameras in each eye...

There was a time when I was pretty vain, spent hours on myself and was a huge clothes horse with all the top brand names. I also incurred a TON of debt! But I decided that it's better for me to let people get what they see. I have not faked anything or disguised anything in many years; all natural I was! (except for my wedding day - my first pedi/mani!) After I got married I totally let mysel fall apart. I did not do anything for myself either. Going to the grocery store in pajama bottoms and a tank top with (another gasp!) bra straps showing was no big deal, before I was married, I'd have to apply makeup, do my hair and coordinate my clothes just to go to the Taco Bell drivethrough...

Several years ago we had a family get get together and my two older sisters, both beautiful and thin and stylish, came bounding in with their kids in toe...with (gasp) hair dissheveled, wrinkled attire and looking just plain tired. I snobbily murmured to my mother, "Is that what happens when you have kids????" She laughed and said, "you'll see!"

I see now. It is hard to take time for yourself with children to constantly have an eye on and care for. But, looking at about two years worth of pictures last night with "someone" - I was aghast.

I commented on how large I looked in a series of photos (9 months pregnant and 1 month post-partum) and someone said, "yea. It was getting pretty darn scary. I was afraid it'd be like a Jerry Springer scenario where a film crew would be showing the world a forklift rescuing you from the inside of your house."

OUCH!

For one friend, the pivotal moment causing a paradigm shift in the way she took care of herself was attempting to run - but only to the mailbox. Baby steps! As she was running down her short driveway, a truck drove past slowly and the man inside yelled out the window, "MOO - MOOOOOO!" Ok, she thought - I'm a cow. I have to keep running....She has not stopped running to this day and is a size 4 compared to the 14 she used to be.

For another friend, it was the sensation of her two thighs rubbing together when she walked. The very first time she felt it, she determined to walk miles a day until they were appropriately shaped and NOT touching!

For me, it was the comment that I was so heavy someone feared I'd become trapped inside my home. That means someone thought I was bigger than a doorway. Someone thought if I sat on a chair it could collapse. Someone saw me as fearfully fat.

This brings me to the question - why did Someone tell me this after I lost 35 pounds and not when I gained the 45 from my thyroid disorder (which by the way corrected itself by giving birth to Abigael!)

No one wants to say it, every one wants to placate.

When we look at people on the street (I'm a people watcher!) and we see someone overweight or obese - how does that shape our opinion of them? People may have looked at me and thought, wow. She's fat! She must sit and eat all day. Well, I would tell them that Prednizone causes "temporary" weight gain (and a hunch back!) but that I was on the temporary medication for 10+ years straight! Then, I obtained a thyroid disorder from being pregnant with Noam, and that went undetected until he was 1.5 yrs old!

I know it sounds like I'm defending myself. Ok, so I am.

For my blog readers - I no longer have a thyroid disorder. I no longer take Prednizone. I'm no longer pregnant. So. I'm going to do whatever it takes to never embarrass someone or anyone with me because they think I'm going to cause a seen not fititng in a doorway or in a seat. I will lose the weight. I will get healthy. I will be disciplined in my diet. I will walk (not run) through Moos and Moos and Oinks and Oinks so my thighs won't touch each other.

Just curious - would you tell someone thank you or be upset? I'm grateful for the truth, I'm always appreciative of concern - but timing is a factor...yes? Maybe someone never mentioned it because I never asked....

Hallelujah, We Will Sing

This morning in church, this song was introduced by Tommy Walker.
I love the lyrics! Combined with music and worship this morning, I had chills.

Will you be ready when the curtain calls?

From the album I Have a Hope:

And now by horse he'll ride * With blazing eyes of fire
He'll judge and make things right * Turn all the dark to light
When he'll split the eastern sky * With heaven's wings I'll fly
And I will say good-bye * To these tears I've cried
Around his throne of grace * We'll see him face to face
With those who've gone before * Oh We'll be apart no more
And we will hear that sound *As all are gathered round
Like hills of thunder loud * We will shout

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Salvation and Glory and Power
Belong to our King
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, we will sing

Our King of king's we'll see * Faithful and true is He
Our faith at last insight * No more fears and doubts to fight
In heaven's choir we'll be * With robes of majesty
From sin and death now free *We will sing
What a day that will be *When all darkness final flees
When all bow and sing to the King
What a day that will be *When his glory we will see
When all bow and sing to the King

WE WILL SHOUT * WE WILL SING
WE WILL SHOUT * WE WILL SING
WE WILL SHOUT * WE WILL SING
TO THE LAMB * TO THE LORD
TO OUR GOD * TO THE KING

Dittle

One thing I learned in school I never forgot is that the dot above the "i" is called a dittle. I always thought it was so cool that something so small would have a name.

One experience I have never forgotten either is walking with Lionell in Schaumburg and coming upon Carson Pirie (Carson's). Inside the storefront window were the most adorable puppies I have ever seen - and I don't even like dogs!

These were rescue dogs and my heart has always wanted to rescue one since.

So. I'm looking for a rescue dog, a Shiba Inu rescue dog.

He or she will be a welcome addition to our family. Shiba Inu's are very tame, short-haired, well trained and play well with toddlers.

I will name him/her Dittle. Our new pet won't be the apple of my eye...but she will be more than a dot in it!

A Little Mystery and a Long History

Recently through facebook, I have been befriended by a friend of many friends. I have never personally met Sweet Stefanie, but her feet walked the blessed floors of the CSC and the island of Guam before mine ever touched them.

We are connected to each other in many ways through many people. Our friendship, I believe is quite sincere and we share many similarities and characteristics. It is amazing to me that this can be possible without ever meeting.

As of late, I've been calling out to the Lord for true friendship, so that I can learn and grow and ble blessed but also give of myself by being a friend. My closest and truest friends are all scattered throughout the world and I dearly miss face to face meetings and fellowship.

The 'next best thing' has been this budding friendship via facebook.

Today I received a package that Stefanie had sent to me - a box full of clothes for Abigael that her Avery wore. Avery is almost exactly one year older than Abigael so the clothes will fit and be seasonally perfect.

Within the box of clothes I pulled out a little wooden elephant - something you would expect to see at World Market, but something I would never buy. In fact, of all my elephants in my home, none have been purchased by me - they have all been gifts.

I was quick to thank Stefanie for this precious gift - I thought she intentionally threw it in there having known my love for elephants and the true spirit of fellowship they represent.

Stefanie has never seen this elephant and did not even know it was in her home! How did it get in the box?!??!

God must be reminding me today that he knows the desire(s) of my heart and he must also be reminding me to be grateful for the herd He has placed me in, whether that be at church, here in Grand Rapids, my facebook friends or the CSC family.

It remains a mystery as to where this elephant came from - but I know it was definitely DIVINELY meant to be given to me on this beautiful day.

Got a LIGHT???

Having been a smoker for over 10 years (cough, cough, hack hack) I found myself on too many occasions ready to take a break, step outside and puff away - only to be disappointed with the fact that I did not have a way to light it. It's at these moments smokers find themselves, shy or not, desperately seeking immediate gratification and stopping passersby with the question, "Got a light?".We all know that the cigarette is useless if there is no way to smoke it.If you can't relate to this addiction, perhaps you are an adventuresome person with a sense of wanderlust and go on hikes and camping trips in the wilderness or on mountaintops or find yourself driving across the country. Your emergency kit would probably include a compass (maybe now a GPS medium) and more than likely a heavy duty flashlight. No one wants to be stranded or lost in the dark.The world is a dreadfully dark place and it's easy to get lost within the hustle and bustle and caught up in world events and attached to all it offers. Life is an adventure and sometimes a very dark journey as we experience a crisis or trial - and it is easy to lose our way. My focus currently is only accomplishing the next best thing; taking each step one at a time, but my efforts are useless if I do not have a light leading my way.In my twenties, my wanderlust took me far and away to new places where I would often find myself alone and lost in the crowds, hanging onto the coat-tails of those who knew the way and how to get there. When I needed advice, counsel or wisdom...even encouragement, I would always know the ones I could call upon - and they were always able to lead me and get me back on the right path (of course, I had to listen!).Now that I'm in my thirties, I've realized that although their "calling back" to me and warning me of the pitfalls and helping make my way easier was a tremendous blessing, I need to know the way myself. I need to have my own light and stop depending on others to get me where I need to be. (Psalm 118:8) It's always a blessing to have those in your life you can go to for biblical counsel and scripture and encouragement, admonishment, etc - but it's BETTER when you have SO hidden his word in your heart that the Spirit and the Word together instruct you through the night and through the day - and HE makes YOU a blessing to others when those words are ready on your tongue and at your fingers.My inner compass should be an eternal perspective and the WORD of God hidden in my heart. I trust anyone traveling lightly or with a heavy load, if carrying these with him, will not lose his way. In fact, each step he takes toward his destination, he gains more strength because he knows his compass points due heavenward. These priceless treasures also make him usable as he can help those behind him, who perhaps like me, need to learn the value of carrying their own light. She who carries her own lamp (and oil) is also prepared for what may meet her on her way (See Matthew 25)Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. ***Psalm 119:105*** by the way, I do not recommend smoking. It's bad for your health...and possibly your witness!

Little Red Wagons and stuff

this is an ADORABLE and WONDERFUL little consignment shop in downtown Zeeland that I discovered about two months ago. I've been anxious to get back! You can find a plethora of things here for the expecting mom, the infant, the new mom and the toddler - from little red wagons to bikes for tykes and shoes for your toddler to run around in! I recommend it for anyone wanting to sell their items and especially to the frugal and budget wise! Take a stroll down the very quaint Main Street and pop in - you may just stay for an hour...or two!

I went for the first time and found a nursing pajama for the hospital (those gowns in the hospital are so dreadful!) and it was gently used and only $4. I also found a pair of shoes for Noam and this adorable little red wagon.

Noam has so much fun pulling his friends along!

I can't wait to go back and go shopping...but when I do I need to drive a truck and bring a bunch of stuff with me to sell!

Mom & Baby....Again

121 E. Main

616.741.9112

Upscale Retail & Resale for Moms & Kids*

clothes & shoes*toys & books*

baby furniture*bedding*maternity*

breast pumps and more!

Store Hours: Mon-Thurs, 9am-7pm & Fri 9am-5:30pm

Janie & Jack

This was my favorite place to purchase clothes for Noam. A few weeks into the season I would hit up the awesome sales. This clothing is top of the line quality and adorable. It is the Banana Republic to Gymboree (and I think Gymboree is the Gap to Childrens' Place)

Anyways - check out their sales RIGHT NOW! Very good sales, especially the adorable girls' layettes! Check them out for yourself or for the gad of women who are due to deliver soon - they have a great selection of unixes layettes, too!

My Simple Single Life

My status is forever changed. A married woman I am not. It's not as though anything has really changed at all - I've been single for at least six months - and not for the first time.

Being without my husband has only motivated me to minimize, organize and simply my single life. I wouldn't trade it for anything!

facebook - I also had to simplify IT. IT was becoming a monster! Over 476 friends - maybe none of whom really knew what was going on in my life - all who had an idea...or two or three and discussed them freely with others. I was also very overwhelmed by all the status updates I was reading. Some just broke my heart as I felt pain for those I cared about - and others infuriated me with hateful messages to/about their friends, family, life.... I tried to use facebook as a ministry - praying for friends, family - even people I don't know - and I tried to encourage everyone I could as much as I could.

Some "friends" I didn't even know very well, but the Lord used them to bless me in amazing ways. I received 5 Jimmy Johns gift certificates from a friend I went to high school with but have had no contact with until a few months ago. Another friend is someone whom I have never met but we have a plethora of mutual friends from our beloved time on Guam - she sent me a package of baby clothes and items. Other friends have prayed faithfully for my little miracle Abigael and celebrated with me on her arrival.

I cut my list down from 476 to I think about 90. Life is simple. Can you really miss your friends if you don't remember who they were? Facebook is all about life and friends...but my life is not about facebook nor the number of friends I have. I am blessed to have the few wonderful friends I do and I know who they are!

I'm embracing my single and simple life today!

I'm buckled up and ready for the ride!

Today the count down begins!
In just one month's time I will have (Lord Willing):

• given birth to my baby girl
• welcomed my Korean parents for a one month's stay with me this summer
• become enrolled in a one-year on-line course for full medical specialist certification
• celebrated my son, Noam's, 2 year birthday!
• finalized my divorce papers
• gone to court twice for hubby related charges...(ugh)
• started looking for work again!

Before baby and parents come, I need to have the following available/complete:

• a name for my baby!
• an additional nursing bra (too much information?)
• at least two nursing tops (ok. this is for mere convenience only, but boy does convenience in this area really going to count with a house-full of people I will need frequent privacy from for feedings!)
• 4 D batteries for baby swing
• package of the new Huggies Pure and Free newborn diapers with special umbilical cord cut out (I have a $3 off coupon!)
• my car cleaned thoroughly
• my living room carpet and couch/loveseat steam-cleaned
• A/C Unit installed in the window
• living room furniture re-arranged
• box-spring and mattress brought up from the basement for my parents' stay
• a good stock of groceries from the Asian market
• Culligan water filtration/softener system installed
• One night out with just me and my little man, Noam
• One night out, just me!!!!

I'm also hoping that I will be free of:

• twice daily blood thinner injections
• 5 of my 11 daily medications
• worry-free regarding kidney failure
• nauseau
• back aches
• swollen legs and feet
• mood swings!
• once a week appointments with a fetal specialist, neurologist and OB doctor

if I still have one or several of the plagues above, it will all be okay. Because I will be a little Mamalynn in the middle of loving parents and precious children.

Cuddled Up and Cute as an Elephant

I have this picture saved on my notebook desktop. My plan was to get my baby girl this blanket. It looks so cute to me and I love elephants! Noam's "decor" was always a monkey - and it will help him (hopefully) stick to what is his when it comes to his dearly beloved-can't-live-without-blankies.

The only thing is - I have NO IDEA where I found this picture or where to find this blanket!

No News is Good News

Today I went to a regularly scheduled OB visit. Baby is still measuring 'above average' and about two weeks larger than "normal". Her heartrate was well within the perfect range. I'm always eager to hear the hearttone rate as earlier in the pregnancy there was a question as to if she had a right ventricle or not.
I talked to my doctor about how I've been feeling - almost always numb with shock waves of irritability, impatience, intolerance and extreme fatigue. I feel like I could burst into tears any minute, but never do. The doctor knows my cousin and I guess they've been chatting it up about my life - and she said, "Amylynn - with what is going on in your life, it would be perfectly normal for you to be in tears everyday. What you are feeling is perfectly normal; should you start bursting into tears for unknown reasons and the cloud persists and persists then we can talk about some methods to help you. Trust me, women come to me all the time - and sometimes their husbands, asking for "NICE PILLS" to expel the witch!"
She asked me how my vomiting has been and asked me how I've been eating. She expressed concern over these matters as my urine and blood tests the last three rounds have shown concerning levels of protein and sugar. I do not have high blood pressure - which would normally point a wagging finger at diabetes along with the sugar and protein, but I consistently test negative for diabetes.
She told me that she is suspecting kidney failure and asked me to have my blood drawn before I left. She didn't say anything further except that she would call me herself if the results were "alarming".
I took the lab at about 1pm - and haven't received a phone call. So. No news is good news for now.
My plan for the afternoon was to make a list of what I need to ask for in the divorce papers for my appointment with my attorney tomorrow. But she called today and said that I would need to have the baby's name chosen in order to draw up the papers. I decided to prolong that appointment until I've decided. 24 hours is not long enough to decide something that will identify my baby for life! I also have a small list of things I need before the baby comes, but I am still waiting on those unemployment checks to come in.
I'm exhausted. I'm anxious. I'm HOT (my dad said he'll come this week and put in my A/C unit! YEA!) and have about a 2 minutes delay in responding to Noam and a foreseeable disaster since I'm so uncomfortable moving around and it takes me forever to get up off the couch.
Things were so much easier when Lionell was around...but I'm strengthened by the thought that GOD must believe I can really do this without him...or anyone.
I'm wondering who will be holding my hand when baby comes screaming into the world - and who I will ask "Does she have a face? Ten fingers? Ten toes?"
3 weeks...and I will know.

Embracing and Exchanging

Many thoughts are cluttering my mind and I am hoping to capture them, organize them and toss out the garbage. I've been thinking mostly about a few things I've heard lately that continue running through my mind like a hamster on a wheel.

First, I heard this, "Everyone's sin is everyone's business". Hmmm. Do you think that it true? This is going to take a while to break-down and you'll have to read the history before I come to a conclusion -

When I first heard this on the radio by a pastor who's name escapes me at the moment - I have to admit I was skeptical, maybe even I scoffed with a very slight "pshhaw". My reaction is not surprising because I know that lately I have been extremely protective over my personal life. It is not something that I share easily...series of events that others see as overwhelming, but I have not allowed myself the liberty to really...process them. Of course, I did not want to hear that every one's sin is every one's business because I don't want anybody knowing my business! The more I share it seems the more shame I bear. The shame is either false or it is real. Let's see. Is it wrong for two Christians to marry? Not that I know of and not that scripture tells me. Is it sinful to marry a divorced man? Ok. I honestly did not know how to answer this question when facing engagement...or even dating a divorced man. I recommend reading Jay Adams' Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage. I will not say that I sinned marrying a divorced man. But, to be brutally honest with myself - I compromised. Yes, we shared our faith and were both growing in Christ, but I fell in the trap many women fall into and believed that some things (bad habits, lifestyle choices and evident patterns) would change once we were married. I didn't think those things would change and improve because he married me - but I assumed through the process of sanctification that it would...just happen. When my husband asked my father for my hand in marriage, my father said NO and stuck to this decision for a considerable time. My father later consented but I can't help but wonder if it is because I repeatedly defended my husband instead of honoring what was perhaps my father's wisdom and discernment.

We were married and on our wedding night a child was conceived. Our marriage was supercharged with trials that first year and the emotional and physical factors took a toll on my body. I was in the hospital several times while pregnant due to being badly beaten and having pnuemonia (stress CAN and WILL affect your health!) I went to counseling, I contacted the proper authorities for protection and willingly placed myself under the authority of my church. Was there sin there? Not on my part...unless I used pregnancy hormones as an excuse to NOT be a gentle and quiet wife...

My son was born and it was a time of celebration and joy and love and appreciation in our family. Three months post-partum, I had a stroke. I returned to work after 3 days returning home from the hospital, recovering from a c-section. I worked full-time and my husband was the primary caretaker. I breastfed and was up for midnight feedings. I also tried to control every aspect of my home while working, which drove my husband further and further away from me.
Was there sin there? Not blatantly; I was being responsible, I was multi-tasking, I was providing for my family - I was a mom! Perhaps, though, I was too self-sufficient and let go of my dependence on the Lord.

After the stroke and during physical therapy and continuing to work full-time, I developed a seizure disorder as well. I was told I had to stop breastfeeding (which was extremely difficult for me emotionally!) and that I even could not hold my infant son. About one month in to weekly lab tests and therapy and neurologist appointments, driving myself to work with a shiny handicap placard in my car - my husband left...Left for a week training in Chicago in order to maintain a job here in Michigan. During his week stay I had no contact with me, couldn't get him on the phone - and later learned he transferred his work location from GR to Chicago. He did not plan on returning home. He was gone for 8 months during which relationships with his two sons from his marriage were deeply deeply broken and several charges added to a new and daunting criminal record. Though I never received a phone call or visit from him, I continued to support him - sent him money for gas, for his cell phone - for whatever...and I chose to visit him in Chicago (clearly unwanted) whenever I could. When my son turned 1, he decided he wanted to be a husband and father again.

He returned. My family loved him as though nothing had happened. My husband apologized to my parents. We agreed his return was "trial" and he could stay and continue working on reconciliation as long as he went to counseling, continued with his court-appointed activities, tried to find stable employment and went to church. Our elder and counselor advised me I was not wrong for wanting to forgive him and giving him opportunity to work toward reconciliaton- but he warned me that true repentance is unmistakable and I would know if his heart was in the right place.

We went to counseling and were asked not to return; the counselor stated he could not help the man who did not want or need help. He told me I was welcome to come alone.
We found a new church and loved it - and were soon accepting free biblical counseling.
Soon after finding a part-time job, the counseling stopped on his end as well as going to church with me. Our marriage became a daily heartached and everytime I saw a neighbor I felt my place and husband and I represented the "black eye" of our neighborhood. I was so ashamed. I thought the Lord restored what the locusts had eaten but found out that not only did the locusts destroy even more; wolves and foxes came in and rooted up whatever good fruit was left. He left again for Illinios (I think) 7 months after coming home and I have not heard from him since.
Was there sin there? I'm on the fence. Half my circle thinks I'm an idiot for letting him come back and forgiving him. (but I wonder if I ever truly did forgive him - I was pretty angry and untrusting!) The other half applauded me for exhausting every possibility in working toward honoring my marriage vows. I had to learn through all of this - to focus only on the thoughts and will of GOD. Every other "opinion" had no weight in my decisions; though I did covet and seek wise and BIBLICAL counsel, feeling very much like Saul who was blinded and required leading toward the Lord and a new life in HIM.

When he left, we had just learned that I was expecting and that I had been carrying twins, but one was "absorbed" into the other and we would expect a baby the end of June. This was expecially difficult for me, mostly because I am a twin myself, separated at birth.
I had just been offered a full-time job.
Three days after he left, I had an ultrasound tech, fetal specialist and a geneticist tell me that my baby had all the markers for Trisomy 18 - and they offered me early termination and/or more genetic testing.
I was truly broken. I did not have time to mourn the loss of my marriage, my husband, my hopes and dreams. I only prayed and grieved for my baby, whom I was convinced I would lose.
I finally decided, about one month later, to have an amniocentesis. I waited 5 days and learned that though she DID have every single marker for the genetic disorder - she did not have Trisomy 18, nor Downs, nor Trisomy 13. Chromosomes don't lie! With five doctors' appointments every two weeks and day care to arrange for once I knew my husband would not return, and having to stay home three days to nurse a son who had a double ear infection and pnuemonia while I had a sinus infection, strep throat and "walking pneumonia"...I was fired for being undependable. My boss suggested I was lying about my husband leaving and having so many medical issues. Her argument was "well, you're hardly a basket case.".

If my baby had proven positive for Trimosy 18 or any other genetic disorder - would that have been a result of sin? Perhaps. This baby was conceived against my will and completely by force. Could I have prevented being fired? I'm not sure...
This brings me to the second thought:
Why did this happen...Why is this happening?
Here I am, a single mom, expecting my second child under two years of age within one month's time, unemployed and on staate assistance for medical care and food stamps.
Talk about shame! I could ask "why me?", but I know the answer is this: People are watching. They've heard me talk about my Lord and Savior. They are seeing if I cling to him through this or let go. I recently took a phone call from the one friend I still have from my high school days (and I didn't go to high school with him). He told me how excellent his life is right now; how he has the career of his dreams, fulfilling and high-paying, how he's a new proud homeowner, how all his relationships with family are at their best and seem to have no threat, how he's found a woman he thinks he can share life with. After all this and celebrating his great life, he spoke another word. He paused, sighed and with a trembling voice he said "but..." He then proceeded to tell me that everyday he thinks about how wonderful his life is and then gets pricked somewhere inside with the inkling that he does not have everything...and how his thoughts turn to me, the one friend he has who seems to be in a constant battle, who has nothing to show for her life, who's health and quality of life is the poorest of any one he knows...a struggling, physically afflicted, unemployed and abandoned single mom expecting another baby to raise alone. I aksed him if he thinks of me because he feels guilty that he has what I don't have. He said no. He said he thinks of me because somehow he knows I have everything that he doesn't have - what he has can be taken away but the one thing I have I can never lose. And then he said this: I need God. I need God in my life. And, Amy - I need him the way YOU have him.
How much more convincing do I need? PEOPLE are watching - and I hope through the flames I come out so pure and flawless that NO ONE can deny the glory of God...

My prayer is that I will be found faithful. My daily activity outside of being a mom (an expectant one at that!) and taking my 11 pills and 1 injection to stay alive -- is embracing every moment because I know that every moment is hand given to me by God, trusting that EACH MOMENT is propelling me toward achieving victory. And when I feel hard-pressed and alone and overwhelmed, I exchange my hurt and anger and bitterness and grief and fears and sadness and worries to the Lord who willingly keeps taking it all with one loving and caring hand- and offers me strength and encouragement and increased faith with the other mighty and outstretched hand.

So as he gives me grace for grace like waves continuosly coming upon the shore - I embrace and exchange and am given even more!

I do, now, believe that my sin is every one's business. It has affected everyone around me and I am constantly bearing consequences of my husbands' past and present sins. Our children will, too. My family and friends have hurt through all this as well. It crushes me to know my mother stays up nights crying, worrying and hurting over my place in life RIGHT NOW.
But if I can faithfully and joyfully, entrust all to the Lord with full hope and lack of fear - maybe my mother can, too.

Have thine own way, Lord. All to Him, I surrender. I will leave to Him to order and provide.

Waiting

Today is a rainy day, cool, dim and uneventful.
I slept with the windows open and though the wind was restless, I was not.
God gives rest to those he loves and he most certainly loved me much and loved me well through the night! Even though my son woke me countless times with sleep talking and short bursts of crying fits, I was not affected at all by being awoken repeatedly.
When I awoke, I was certain I had slept through half the day and my son's diaper would be a mass of urine weighing 20 pounds and he'd be listless lying in wait for me to feed him...but he was still sound asleep and looking like an adorable and angelic babe. It was only 7 am!
I was ready to start my day - but did not have much on my agenda. I had to make a few phone calls, schedule an appointment, fax in a form for unemployment and get some groceries.
As I entered the kitchen for my morning cup of joe, I noticed that my kitchen was NEW. It was definitely not in the condition I left it when I retired the night before. Where my island tends to reveal my tendency to organize by piling and my sink lately blatantly tattles that I'm too lazy and tired to do my supper dishes...the counters were cleared, the cupboards wiped down and the floor was glistening from being swept and mopped. My new roommate (she rents my basement and shares my main floor space) must have decided to be a true night owl and clean for me.
What a gift! Keeping up with my kitchen floor has caused me a lot of stress now that I'm 8 + months pregnant and way too uncomfortable to get down on my hands and knees to scour and scrub!
I've made my phone calls and will wait until after dinner to go to the store.
I haven't done much since waking up. Changed Noam's diaper over and over, fed him (over and over!), tidied up my bedroom and bathroom and picked up two lamps Noam knocked down only to discover they broke from the fall. Two broken lamps in one day! He's been busy and I can't keep up!
I'm waiting. I sit on the couch and I wait. I wait for an encouraging word. I wait for the first of three or all three unemployment checks to come in the mail. I wait for my attorney to call. I wait for my baby to come. I should not have nested so early - my bags are all packed and I'm ready to go, but I have nothing to do but just sit and wait.
As I wait, I contemplate what I am waiting for. In one sense, I'm waiting for my life to begin again - to see if I can really do this single mom thing, go to school, work a full-time job, meet a man and marry again...have "success" as us Americans define it.
But in another sense, I wait on the Lord to conform my will to his - waiting for whatever he wants to give me or provide me with and knowing that his grace is sufficient and that those who trust in him lack no good thing.
As I wait, I see only him...and I trust.

Upon the Mt. of Transfiguration: Matthew 17:8"And lifing up their eys, they saw NO ONE, EXCEPT JESUS HIMSELF ALONE!"And so may it be with me!