Note to Self ...

We complain about the cross we bear but don't realize
it is preparing us for the dip in the road that God can see and we can't.

Whatever your cross, whatever your pain,
there will always be sunshine, after the rain....

Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall;
But God's always ready, to answer your call.....

He knows every heartache, sees every tear,
a word from His lips, can calm every fear...

Your sorrows may linger, throughout the night,
But suddenly vanish, in dawn's early light...

The Savior is waiting, somewhere above,
to give you His grace, and send you His love...

You need to look at the bigger picture.....

A day without the Lord- Is a day wasted.

So get into the word and meditate on scripture!

Where Did the Time Go?

I thought I could blog every day...or nearly. But. I can't hold time and I couldn't keep up. What a busy month April was!

April came and went after Abigael made some progress developmentally, completion of physical therapy, downsizing at work (thank God my name was taken OFF the list!), and a two week stretch ailments of one sort or another my little Abigael had to fight off.

I did get ONE night out on the town and it was an absolute riot. Anita Renfroe has inspired me to laugh.

I was greatly encouraged and I celebrated (a bit prematurely) a "pregnancy"...thought my baby had a doctor and a hospital...turns out that the "baby" is there...but a heartbeat can't be detected. There is still hope...

Abigael is cutting her two front teeth. They feel like razor blades coming through her gums. Poor girl. She's such a trooper. She has daily breathing treatments twice and every three hours when she is sick. We learned she has extreme allergies as well - NO CATS! Abigael is very scared of dogs...we're working on that! She officially started crawling on April 22, two days before her 10 month birthday. Like her mama, she was motivated by food.

Noam moved up one class in daycare - officially considered "pre-school". He's been several months diaper free even through the night. He's had a difficult month with a sudden new interest in the male figure known as "daddy". He talks often of this person and cries out often for him...or stands at the front window waiting for him to appear. That said, he wants Abigael's doctor to be his daddy - he even offered him the job. When the kind doctor declined, Noam offered him my credit card.

Tomorrow I speak in front of over 100 at my church - sharing the story of Abigael and how the Lord revealed his glory through a trial. Remember...you can't stand on promises if you don't know what they are!

(I'm sure you know Abigael's story by now, but if you don't - let me know or come to the Mother Daughter banquet tomorrow night!)`

My baby's baby

Found Sonya Lee yesterday for $2.50 while getting out of the house and
getting my placard for front row parking anywhere and everywhere. At
first she was petrified...



or horrified...


or terrified...


Just moments later they're
the best of friends!

Spit Shock and Piggy PT

Went to bed last night at 2 a.m. I had to settle a few things in my mind before I could sleep. It took longer than I anticipated. Boy, I sure wasted a lot of time being down on myself, down on others and just being plump ungrateful. I hate that it got the best of me.

I woke up at 8:30. Abigael hadn't even made a peep yet. She went to sleep last night at...8? I know, I know, I have an angel in the midst! Instead of waking to her hungry cries, I woke to Noam pulling my hair. He said he was "weeding" and said I had "white strings" in my hair. Uh, yea. It's called GREY!

Noam bounds out of bed, I stumble and drag myself to the bathroom. I brush my teeth. Noam goes potty. Good boy. I was getting a cup of coffee while Noam brushed his teeth while happily admiring himself in the mirror.


Just as I walked in to check on him with my phone camera ready to shoot my big boy brushing his teeth, I saw him SPITTING IN THE DRAWER! What in the world?!?!? I had the perfect photo, but not the one I anticipated! His look says it all. Guess he knew better!

After cleaning the drawer out, I decided Abigael just had to get her hair up in pig tails. It gets so matted and tangled otherwise because it is so long. THAT was a chore! It was definitely a good round of physical therapy. For I had to sit her on the counter, keep her held sitting forward (i had her face the bathroom mirror - it worked like a charm!) so I could part and comb her hair. The tough part was getting the hair into a tail and holding it - only to struggle even more to wrap it all up in the very cool tangle-free rubber bands I found for her extra fine silky hair.

That was about as an eventful morning as I could handle. P.T. at 2. Nap now!

because she's BETTER than me

I LOVE YOU, EMILY!

She always knows the perfect gift, the perfect words to send my way.
She knows what I need to say, but can't - and even knows when - and, because she loves me...because she's my friend...she thinks of me...she helps me...she loves me even when my life is messy or just *SICK*

that's one reason why she is better than me - she just KNOWS even though she is far far far away in a land that just seems to create cute little lives (when can I go back!??) and I'm here where people are busy earning points on Farmville or Mob Wars or facebook, stalking my wall but never heeding the call...

the other reason is because she sent me these adorable thank you cards...top notch quality, pristine...perfect.

AND she used some of the paper on ME to wrap it all up and send my way...Can I give her one when she sent it to me? The pressure is on! I have to find something just as wonderful with a warm citrus kiss to return to sender - because she's better than me.



I dont' want to use these cards. I want to keep them and look at them and remember my friend. But. Because she is better than me and shows me LOVE that expects nothing in return - I will follow suit and thank the few elephants who have used their 40,000 muscles in their trunks to *lift me up* during this time.

The good and bad part of it is - I'll be able to thank the friends who have helped, provided a meal (two wonderful women!) and helped me prep food...but I'll have plenty to keep...I hope for a while.

Well! Someone Has to Do it!

My precocious, compassionate and responsible two year old has been asking me for a several days now..."Mama, no work?" "Abby. Noam. Go to school?" And I say, "no, Noam. Not today."

This morning, Saturday, Noam's little mind must have feared the worst. Mama's not working - and I'm not going to school - so....

He opened the closet that he knew housed my work bag, used his little engineer mind to figure out how to put it in himself, climbed up on his stool to reach my dangling keys on my elephant hook (still got it, Laura! Thanks!) and came to me, lumbering the entire way.

"I go to work, Mama. I got my work bag, Mama. And keys, ok? Ok, Mama. Bye bye! Be back, Mama!"

Lord, bless his heart. Think he was forgetting something, though? ha ha

I used to be the girl...

I used to be the girl
who believed in dreams come true
and that you could get orange from the color blue
that cried while watching the news
and cotton commercials -though I did not choose
to have emotions on my sleeve
and for every hurt to grieve and grieve

and then.
I stopped.

Now i'm the girl who's solid like a rock
steady and predictable like time's tick tock
I will cry after hysterical laughing
but not shed a tear from trials I've having

until yesterday.

I was aware that I no longer was free to hug and absent-mindedly put my hand on your elbow as we spoke, or say "I love you" verbally or twirl in circles alone in my room just for feeling giddy without reason. I was aware that teddy bears and hearts and chocolate and sappy songs irritated me. I was aware that I groaned inside whenever someone else around me cried. And I wrote in my journal:

"he must not have loved me, because he did not break me. Someone come and love me, take my heart and tear it up, break it - give me a breakdown. I want to meltdown. I'm void of love and got a stock-pile of rocks that shine but do nothing else. I don't know how to shed a tear, I want to sob - I want to cry SO BADLY...but I can't. I have had no reason to - but I had every reason to be in bed all day unraveling toilet paper to grab the goo stuck on my face from exploding sinuses and tears and sobs and trying to breathe. I did not miss love; I can't remember what it is - so therefore, I could not grieve what I never knew. Maybe he left me this way after breaking my spirit like an oak tree being whittled away - hour after hour, day after day.

People say I'm so strong, that I've learned to endure - but to become an airtight container...surely that is not the cure. I just want to break down.

If you love me, then please take my heart and tear it up."

I wrote that a few months ago. And for the first time in a long, long, long, long time - I have allowed myself to cry for a PERIOD OF TIME (sure I cried in a counseling office and in a doctor's office and when my friend died...but I grabbed myself by the shoulders and shook myself until my teeth rattled, pulled up my big-girl panties, sucked up the tears and composed myself within seconds - a minute at the longest). Yesterday, I started to cry. And I'm still crying. The body broke me so that I can return to return to the body even stronger. It's not a bad thing. Winter is gone - it's time for spring. I'm ready to be effie - and just AMES again. I've returned! (and yes, I twirled)

Just What Momma Ordered

My dad and mom spent two and a half hours getting groceries for me - and that is with a list I made them organized and listed by aisle. What love! They brought the groceries over, helped me put them away, riled up my two year old and retrieved my mail for me since it's a bit dangerous for me to do it myself. (I am unstable -ha ha- due to balance and I live off a very busy road with zero shoulder between the road and mailbox). I recognized her handwriting on the envelope right away. Expecting to find a track or quick note, I was surprised by a beautiful coaster. It was a picture of love sent with 0% condemnation, 100% tender concern (kindness). I should start a collection!

Appearance of Evil

What is the appearance of evil? When is it real?
A few things happened to me at different stages of my life - all of which frustrated and hurt me, but gave me greater insight into the minds of men (and women, whom I fear are far better at being judgmental).

Scenario #1: In one week (a while back), I had two of my brothers (one was a brother-in-law) come to my home. One to pick up some nursery items I was giving to him as another baby was on her way - and the other to help me put some very needed child safety locks in place.
A neighbor said to me, "I thought you were Christian?" I said, "I am". She said, "but you have all sorts of men coming and entering your home." I felt judged. Wait. No. I WAS judged. Perhaps she was thinking that it was unwise for me to have strange men or any man come into my home with an infant son. I would agree. But did I need to explain to her that I am adopted...and that the men she mistook as suitors or questionable companions are my brothers?

Scenario #2: On Guam, while working with a mission group short-term, I was at a fiesta (come one, come all - who cares, there's enough food to feed the Marianas!)and was sitting with some locals. We all sat together while some drank beer, some partook of Beetlenut and some smoked cigarettes. I engaged in the latter. I do realize that smoking can hurt a testimony, but I feel it is a far cry to call it a cardinal sin. Anyways, someone saw and instead of coming to me to give me a kind heads' up (perhaps this is not the proper place to engage in such an activity or I would not want someone to question your lifestyle...devotion to the Lord) she went straight to the mission field director who then said "You are a bad missionary." This same director confronted another couple who were also there that partook in drinking beer. I found it very interesting months later, while delivering a meal I had made to the director and his wife - to find a case of beer in their closet and alcohol in their fridge.



Am I crazy to have felt hurt by those situations? Defensive?

I'll make a deal with you. I will not pretend to be anything or anyone than I am not. What you see is what you get. I will say what I mean and I will mean what I say. I will trust you to do the same. I will do my absolute best to honor the Golden Rule - and I will expect nothing from you than what you are (unless you're being plumb stupid when you're better than that - then I say, "you are better than that! STOP IT!)



Matthew 18 (restore your brother in love, win him forever)
JOHN 8:3-11



Dear brothers and sisters, do you feel condemned? Maybe there is no finger writing in the sand while the crowd points at what they don't understand. Just keep living for HIM because he's written YOUR name on the palm of his hand

Living Up to His Name

Today was rough. Especially the outcome of my follow up with my neurologist. She did not have good news for me. Looks like the next two weeks will be full of physical therapy, more tests, more doctors, more meds. I do feel that I am in good care. I am not to drive with my kids in the car so I think I'll forego the cost of daycare, but that makes things difficult at home since I only have one hand and they are more than a handful. My first session of physical therapy was just plumb exhausting and it was very disappointing to see how quick and eager my brain is but how slow and cautious my limbs were.

Abby has been fighting a fever due to teething, I'm sure. Every time she fights a fever or illness her breathing is compromised. So I could not wait to see her and how she was doing and just cuddle with her. She had improved today at daycare. I tried to cuddle her but she felt so much better that she was rearin to go and play. I could not comfortably hold her in a secure position so I waited for her to settle down some and let her play with Noam. They play so well together. She just adores him.

I was trying to open a can by myself and then a new bottle of dressing. It was not going well at all. I wound up dropping the can on my left foot. I immediately said OUCH! But then laughed. One positive to being a clutz and a bit of a handicap is that when you drop your cans on your foot after a stroke you don't feel a thing! Now I know to aim for my foot whenever I drop something! I gave up on the can and the dressing and ate my salad plain. It was good but very boring.

After that struggle I was ready for bed. I knew it was time for the kids to have their bath. It was certainly an even greater struggle getting us all out of our clothes or into our birthday suits in order to have a proper bath. It is laughable how long this took. I was starting to feel a bit whiny but determined to enjoy my children and just being able to be with them. Things could be so much worse. After the bath I was able to transfer baby and terror into their room for their traditional after bath moisturizing. Noam must have noticed my fatigue so he took it upon himself to put a diaper on his little sister and pull out her pajamas for me. He put his undies back on, jumped in bed and quickly got settled in under the covers. "snug in a bug rug, mama!" (I usually tell him he is snug as a bug in a rug) and then he said his prayers. Abby was lying down beside him. He pulled her onto his chest and snuggled her for me. Perhaps he knows I can't.

What a picture. It just melts my heart. Noam means God's pleasant gift and friend. I'd say he is definitely living up to his name. What a gift he is to me and what a friend to sweet-faced Abby. He held her and sang the song I made up for her. He didn't miss a beat or word.

Wish I had been able to catch it on video. Just the perfect ending to a wearisome day.

A crockpot creation

I was excited about trying two new recipes from the crockpot365 blog.
Though the meals were gluten free, they looked scrumptious and the blogger Stephanie has admirable wit and persuasion. Kim came over and helped me prep the recipes and Jason from work gave me the gluten free ingredients. Julie delivered them. All saints and yes, I have time to notify the Vatican.

The first recipe was green chile chicken. Looks like Steph appreciates a good ol kick and a punch of spice. The second recipe was called End of Summer Harvest soup. Well, I was appealed by the zucchini and squash and everyone knows how much I love soup, so I decided to write it in my recipe book as All Season soup :)

I messed up the first recipe by missing one tiny detail. I thought the second recipe turned out horrible. It was due to spaghetti sauce being a major contender in the mix. I couldn't justify having spaghetti sauce as a broth so I continued to let it cook, drained the vegetables when they were translucent and washed them off, rinsing with cold water. I then took half of the veggies and mixed it in with the chicken, added some chicken broth and Korean chili paste and cooked it all over again. Oh my goodness. My what a party in my mouth! It was really good served over rice. Ok, I actually haven't eaten it yet but I sampled more than a forkful before picking up the iPhone to share my delight. I am eating it served over rice. The other half of veggies I mixed with spaghetti sauce and put it in the freezer for gluten free pasta night. I'm calling this creation harvest chicken with pacific heat. Bon apetite!!!

Nursery Rhymes

Hey, Diddle-Diddle - the cat and the fiddle; there's elephants all over the room!

Because I'm not into frills and lace and pink and cartoons and cutesty-cutesy "rainbow throwup" (that's what I call it), I knew it was going to take some time trying to find a way to decorate the nursery appropriately for a boy AND a girl.

It actually was not as difficult as I had anticipated...or I just "lucked out"!

I saw a lamp that I was instantly drawn to. It was cute, it was completely "bearable" and had nice-even-keeled colors I knew I could decorate a room around. Plus, it was an ELEPHANT lamp! Bonus!

So I found a crib set that matched the lamp (although the two were not together and took some web browsing - it actually WAS a set). Then I found a rug that matched the elephant lamp and the crib set. Now what? I searched and googled "toddler boy bedroom" and I came up with cutesy-cutesy stuff. No, I did not want Monsters, Inc or Dora the Explorer or CARS all over the bedroom. The elephants would not like that. Besides the attack of juvenile (ok, I know we're talking about a kids bedroom here, but I just can't appreciate it) bedding, there is very few bed sets available for toddlers for a full-size or double bed. Noams bed is a full-size.

So I picked out a color that I thought would be appropriate for a boy and could maybe match the crib set - ah ha, Blue! So I googled 'blue bedding full-size'. I did not come up with much and thought perhaps I would just have to get a plain looking comforter or blanket to put on his bed.

So I googled red. Nothing. So then I googled blue and red. I found something. It looked like it could match. Hmmm. What's this? Discounted? Clearance? Yes, it really does match. Could it be true? Well, let's see. If it isn't, I'll return it. So I ordered it. (online shopping is so convenient for a single mom). I just happened to find it on Overstock.com and paid $1 for shipping. Not bad.

Then I found a rug and a pillow set.

The boys' bed set came first. I immediately put it in the washer. Ding! Without allowing any time to pass, I put it in the dryer. It came out all rumpled and looking like a sheet that the bachelor everyone has in their office mistook for a shirt and walked into work with (smile). I put it in the dryer again. Checked the "wrinkle release" button. Yep, it's on. Ding! Took it out a second time, still the same. Darn material! So. I set out (this was more than a week ago) to iron. I ironed two pillow cases, a fitted sheet, a sheet-sheet (what are those called? Oh yea, flat sheet) and the duvet cover (I just threw the old comforter inside it-genius!). It took me a LONG time. I realized half-way through that it was just going to look "only slightly wrinkled" even if I did the best ironing job ever. Slightly dismayed, I set up the bed. Fit wonderfully and I liked it a lot.

More than a week later, the crib set came. That was a challenge opening up that packaging. I was like a one-thumb wonder with a bear paw for a second hand. Fun stuff. Washed that except the two longer pieces that were part of the bumper set. I set out to put it on the crib today. I considered it my physical therapy. Can you imagine tying knots with one good hand? Mission accomplished...teeth come in handy (sigh)

Here are photos of the end result. I'm actually very pleased, no -thrilled! I finally have a nursery in my home and one that I can tolerate. Everything matches perfectly. All that is left is finding some fun pictures to frame and put on the walls. I'm thinking elephants...or something fun like that. From the beginning of life - my kids will know it is not necessarily a bad thing to be the "elephant in the room". If you have no idea what I'm talking about read At Home in the Herd, a previous blog posting.

the trees in the field

Yesterday as I washed my dishes effortlessly and robotically like a desperate housewife, I glanced out the kitchen window. It faces my backyard. In the summer, the view from my window looks like a dense forest that leads to lost treasure and a secret garden. In the winter, it's just a bunch of naked trees frozen, standing separate, waiting for something...they remind me of myself sometimes.



Yesterday was rainy and gloomy, but I was not. I looked at those trees, stopping, both hands in the soapy water, resting - pausing and my ears opened and my eyes opened. The wind chimes were being played by a silent hand, the trees were bowing and swaying silently as drip, drip, drip, drip raindrops landed on the window pane.

I had thought I missed worship this beautiful and quiet, restful Sunday. I was wrong.

the babysitter arrived and I left. I enjoyed the music on the radio as I drove - three songs in a row, various styles with the same theme - He is an Awesome God. A lady speaks. She asks, "what do you see when you look out your window?" I wanted to call, but didn't.

Last night, like those trees, I felt bare, frozen by cold words, separated, isolated, vulnerable to the winds and rains of life. Green. I want to be green. I want to be nest for the birds of the heavens - I want to drink, drink, drink the living water and grow tall and strong - bearing good fruit all along.

But it is winter. And if the trees can give glory to God in the fierce and bitter cold, then so will I.

I lay on my bed. I pray. And like those trees, I gently swayed, I raised my hands to receive his glory and strength and I was given rest.

Jeremiah 17:8 One of my favorite verses: "He is like a tree planted by the water, that sends out its roots by the stream; and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit."

I layed my weary heart to rest along with my natural tendency to complain and whine while amidst a test. To do such is to take the name of the Lord in vain.

Let it rain. Let it rain. Let it rain

Circles

Going to bed, I thought early tonight. I was wrong. I delayed my sleep to do what's right only to wind up feeling wronged. I try, I try
and I try. Can anyone argue otherwise? To do great work until all is well and done with results such as ten plus ten equals one.
Not so much fun. The slightest slight, the settle downs - either I don't exist or I'm the silliest of clowns. Some blessed assurance I'd like to find
rescued from pitiful polka dots, these thoughts circling in my mind. I feel out of place here and imagination runs wild when fed by fear. Yes, I know it's another year, but please let me shed just this one single tear.
Drop

stop

it's like I have wandered in the desert for thirty years and my promised land is just in sight. I'll arrive, finally, within a week or perhaps a fortnight. Except what I expected to see was Canaan, milk and honey flowing for me but I see Egypt instead - only harsh reality and enslavement wait for me.

This cistern broken, crumbled from poison, scarred with gangrene needs to be filled again with something good, pure and clean. Begging for scraps like a dog at a table Give me more faith, lead me by day and by night - Let me be more able!
Put your mark on my head so I can be protected as I go to finally tread on holy land there at the stable where Jesus the infant king lay in moss Let me see glory in humility and life through the cross.



Break me more so I can see the good and faithful servant you claim I will be
Yes, Lord I'm ready. Break me...

Chicago! A day in the life of a single mom

Last week Saturday we took a trip to Chicago. Loaded to the top and about to bust at the seams, the little orange Kia made its way down the road. As we started out, I thought I would try to instill some excitement in my son. So I said, "We're going to Chicago! Woo hoo!" and he caught on very fast. He's a bit too fast of a learner. The first 40 minutes was full of "Cago! Woo Hoo!" about as repetitive as the wheels going round and round. Headache. Two motrin. Stop for a pepsi - this might be a long drive. Abigael sleeps.

Noam asks, "Bobby comin?". I answer, "Yes, of course! He's riding up front with me!" (where? Well, I have an imagination, too! Stretched out along the front dashboard -it's the only place he'd fit!) My answer did not suit my son. He replied, "no, Bobby comin on the horse." Uh, ok...

Noam and I sing songs. ABCDEFG...H...I...Twinkle Twinkle Little Star...Jesus Loves Me...and you and you and you! Happy Birthday to you...Big Big Balls, Big Big Balls, All the way...FUN! oh what Fun! Laughter.

Abigael sleeps yet we hear her loudly sucking and smacking her thumb. We made great time. It was so nice to see the Schaumburg again. I was looking forward to eating at Smiling Buddha and meeting Amy for lunch. As I pull off the highway and drive past the nation's second largest mall (Woodfield!)I saw a Panda Express that was not there a year ago. Man, I knew I should never have moved!

Amy and I meet in the parking lot of our dining destination. I make a quick comment while walking past my car trunk that it looks as though I left the lights on, but perhaps it just looks that way because the sun is striking it such. I ordered Sui Mui and Kwok Tei potstickers eager to share their glory with Amy who had just told me that she no longer ate meat due to a new lifestyle. Great listening skills. Amy informs me she's ours for the entire day! w00t!

Leaving Smiling Buddha and on our way to Hyatt Place, we load up Noam and Abigael. I come around the back end of my car and notice that the sun is STILL causing my tail lights to shine. Hmmm. Jumping into the driver seat I instinctively place my hand on the keys -that were already in the ignition. Nothing. Gee. I left my lights on...and my keys in the ignition. Uh –we’re not in country anymore! Amy pulls out her jumper cables and asks me how I am placing the cables onto my battery. I retort, "red on red, black on black" She laughs and informs me both her ends are red. She says, "Positive on positive, negative on negative." Hmmm.

We enter Hyatt with two screaming crying children tired from the trip. I have stains all over my "almost" stirrup pants that I am eager to change out of before we head to the mall. We are ignored at the front desk but, since my kids were wailing we finally wound up getting some help. Entering the room we exclaim, "ooh!" Yes. It was a very nice set up -decorated in citrus colors. CITRUS KISS!

Opening my luggage, I scurry through the clothing for the three of us, tossing article after article on the floor in a heap. Two days of clothes for Noam and Abby each -check! Shirt for me, shirt for me -Check! No pants. Oops.

Amy suggests that we take the kids swimming and that after I take that shower I needed (ewe, stinky stinky!)I change into my bathing suit, wash my pants by hand and hang them to dry while we swim. Smart!

I inform Amy that I am going to throw Abigael into the water and watch her instinctively swim. She looks at me appalled. She was really surprised when I went through with it. She swam! Noam plays in the water. I try to be the cool mom and place him sitting on my shoulders. I walk further into the pool. I forgot I was short. With my hands around Noam, I could not really swim. Dumb. We survive. Amy must have thought she was a stand in in a current day Amelia Bedelia episode. Noam swims to me - about two feet. Impressive!


Back in the hotel room, my pants are still soaked. Amy takes the blow dryer to them as I get my kids changed and fed and ready for the mall. After considerable dryer time on my pants, I decide to just wear them. I make a comment about catching a cold going out with wet pants. Amy says, "your pants don't touch your lungs." Duh. As we walk through from the elevator to the parking lot I say to Amy, "maybe they have a shuttle that can take us all to the mall." We look up. There's a shuttle! Go!

We walk around the mall, two kids in a stroller, my white coat dragging across the mall floor, Amy holding Abby, Noam taking every article of clothing he sees off the rack, and me with chilly buns. Cold!

There was nothing to find. Could not find a pair of jeans for Abigael. Disappointing! The 2nd biggest mall in America and no jeans for a baby girl that don't have cutesy rainbow throw up all over them. Ugh

We're getting hungry. We check the Macy's clearance rack. I find something. I like it. I like the sale price a lot better. We go to the check out. I pay. I return the mall stroller while Amy takes Abigael with her to get a coffee at Starbucks. Noam asks, "Where's Amy? Where's Abby?" likes he's an autistic kid counting. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

We meet Amy and Abigael in Starbucks. I ask her if she has my Macy's bag with the shirt I just bought. She says no. I realize. I never took it from the register. Back to Macy's. The cashier lady is not there. We sit. We wait. There she is. She's panting. "oh, there!" She says. She tells us how she ran all over the store looking for us and finally dropped my shirt off downstairs at the lost and found. Amy goes to hold the shuttle with Noam. Abigael and I wait for the cashier to return with my shirt. Now she's really panting. I grab and go feeling a bit guilty as the lady is still calling after me trying to explain the great lengths she took to find me and how all that running around had made her tired. I could barely understand her accent anyway. Rude.

I'm getting crabby. Eat. What are we going to eat? I decide it's too late to take the kids out to a restaurant. We decide to order Nancy's. Nope. No Nancy's in the area for delivery. We ask the front desk for menus. We decide to get food from Chevy's. We call Take Out Taxi to order. They want to charge us an extra $12 WITHOUT delivery tip for "processing". Uh, no. Call back. Cancel.

Eat. What to eat? I'm crabby and I'm hungry. Room Service. Back in the room again. Looking for information on room service. Nothing can be found. I pick up the phone. I hit a button. Ring ring. "Yes, I would like to order room service, please." "Which hotel? You've called the reservations 800 #." She transfers me to the hotel front desk. "Yes, I would like to order room service please." "We don't do that here." "I tried to find information in the room. There was nothing, no menu, no information." "Turn on the tv." I turn on the tv. Oh!

We look through. We settle on an order. We call the front desk -this time without involving the reservation desk. "I'd like to place a room service order, please." "We don't do that." "But I found your menu on the tv." "You can place your order in the lobby at the kiosk." I go downstairs. I find the kiosk. I enter Amy's order. Now I'm working on mine. I'm making my selections, but nothing happens on the screen. I tap tap tap tap tap tap. Nothing nothing nothing. Tap tap tap tap tap tap! Nothing. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. I go to the front desk. "Your kiosk is not working. I'm trying to order room service." "We don't have room service." He follows me to the kiosk. An order for $198 is now showing on the screen with multiple appetizers and about twenty orders of nachos. Teehe.

The man finds that the screen is locked up. I follow him back to the front desk where he proceeds to take my room service order on the front desk kiosk. Hmmm. Couldn't he have done that when I called???? "There," he says, "we'll bring it up to you in five to ten minutes." "What does it mean, beverage?" I ask, "How does say...a Pepsi come?" "How do you want it to come?" "I mean, does it come in a 2 liter, a fountain drink?" "It's all grab and go from that case you're standing in front of." Oh. $2.50 for a 20 oz bottle. “Do you want me to put it on two ice cubes in a cup or something?” Pass. In my mind, I'm grabbing those pepsi's and throwing them at the man...and going.
Waiting in the room again. Phone rings. "Your food is ready to be picked up." "I thought the food was going to be delivered to our room." "We don’t do that, it's like three big plates." "Yea...." "Fine! We'll be up soon." Wouldn't it be three plates for one of us girls to carry by herself as well????

We watch Whip It! Noam has another night terror. Takes a while, but he settles down. Amy leaves. She's probably thrilled. What a crazy day - dead battery, wet pants, near drowning and learning that HYATT stands for Help Yourself and Tip Too! I pull back the sheets on the bed to climb in and find sweet sleep. Sleep was not there. A blood stain and two big WET stains right under the heap of pillows. YUCK! I sleep on the floor.

Sunday. I try (key word try) to bring Noam and Abby downstairs with me for the "hot continental breakfast." I find plain bagels, plain bread, cereal and milk. I put bagels into the rotating toaster thingy. Some guy comes and takes my bagels. Repeat. Noam sits down with another family and starts eating cereal. That kid! I shove the bagels between my arm, put some peanut butter and cream cheese packs in Noam's pockets, and cumbersomely carry Abigael, holding Noam's hand back up to our room. Yes, I'd like to grow a third arm. Now!

Noam eats all bagels and proceeds to eat the peanut butter right out of the cups. Time to check out. After three trips to the car down and up again with our stuff (with both kids with me), we're finally ready to go meet Sue. Sue!

Parked in front of Sue's. Does not look like anyone is home. Fifteen minutes. She should have pulled into the driveway by now from church. Wait. Noam says hi. I say hi back. I call Sue. Voicemail. Wait. Noam says hi. I say hi back. Wait. Wondering, why is Noam saying hi? Usually he says "mama". I look at him. He's looking out the window (that he opened) at Sue who is peering out of her front door. Oh!

Inside Sue's, she's making us burgers. Noam shows off what he knows. I'm mama. Abigael is Abby. He is Noam. He looks at Sue. She's "Elephant". While Sue is mortified, I'm filled with warm fuzzies in my belly and proud at his insight. He's wise beyond his years. I tell Sue about Michael Jackson's elephant story. Jim looks good. 2 years since his cancer surgery. Praise the Lord. I eat my burger. Noam does not eat his burger. I eat Noam’s burger. They all watch me eat. Oink!

Off to the Allch Inn. They are entertaining a family of 8 from Toronto. Full House or Eight is Enough? Great visit. Love them. Ron is Noam's Dr. Pop Pop, Sherry is "Gramma Sherry." We eat meat pie. Squirrel? Mutton? Beef? Who knows. Ron won't touch it. He thinks someone needs to call the ambulance. Edible!

On our way home. I no longer like to drive in the dark. Very foggy. Mama becomes a scaredy cat. I pray for safety and then remember Frances Chan's remark in Crazy Love. I dared to say a different prayer. Finally home at 11:30 pm. Kids put to bed. Wait. What's this? Both children feel warm. No, not warm. HOT. No!

And then we were sick. And then Noam informs me, quite dramatically and greatly disturbed - we left Bobby in Chicago. Oh - that's okay. He's coming back on the horse! No. Wa Wa Wa. Bad horse. Horse is naughty. No horse. Ok. Problem of missing Bobby persists, along with three fevers and three sick Asians (one Korean, two KoreaPinos) all week. What to do, what to do. Help!

Two e-mails sent to Hyatt requesting phone call to talk about my experience. They e-mailed back without really responding and are yet to call. Call!

It's a week later. Noam is better. Abigael is better (she had RSV). I'm exhausted and have yet to be fever free. It may be a while before we go back to Chicago. Bobby is back! Relieved.

Phew!

I'm Alive!

I have no idea what the radio program was or who the speaker was, but something I heard one of the earlier mornings this week caused some great rumination.

The man was asking if we know what we look like as God sees us at our very best. He was speaking to the individual. He said to the one who answers that question with, "I have no idea" to begin reading the Word of God. (I'm sure it could give us some clues!) :-)

He pointed out that we should, when trying to envision, avoid thinking about PERFORMANCE. We do live in a performance driven generation, don't we? I think about myself and my own self-issued goal to achieve a deadline in advance. I'm sure there is pride in that goal.

What I have really been trying to process is his next statement - what makes you feel alive? If you can answer this - you're on your way to seeing yourself at your best - and then finding what God has called you to do for him." I think he is saying, "if something makes you feel alive -if there is already life in something you do or experience, God will equip you (if he has not already called you) to use that for his glory and purpose.

Things that make me feel alive:
Having the right answer...first! (sin)
When I win (sin)
great theological debates (except that one time that made me go "almost" crazy where I wound up in tears and was shaking all over)
When I learn something very practical that make life easier (example: tildes in excel, shortcut keys in MS applications)
When my children laugh
When my children reach out for me
Nursing my babies (I'm done now. Tear, tear, sniff sniff)
when I was pregnant with my kids. The little life inside moving built so much great anticipation!
Worship, community or in solitude
Putting words together in such a way that they actually look like something new is being said
trees
doing a random and anonymous act of kindness or giving
creativity (mine or someone elses)
Being on the water - deep sea fishing on Guam, pulling in that 15 lb rainbow runner!
the GREEN FLASH! (only on Guam!)
Sitting at the cool spot (only on Guam!)
Helping
Being specifically called upon to counsel, administer, pray
the idea of being a roller derby champion
Helping someone make progress
Writing worship songs
Writing silly songs for my kids
Witnessing a miracle and answered prayers
Hearing testimonies
Being remembered for something I have said or done, but in a positive way
-and more practically: coffee, the color orange, a citrus kiss, really really good Korean food, soup, and looking (or feeling like I look) really good in a dress!

So. My question is...when do you feel alive? Where? Are you in the right place?

I miss my Abby

Back to the grind after three really long weekends in the last month. I loved Christmas time this year. I was able to just BE and spend time with my precious children. I wonder if I will ever completely get over the sadness I feel every morning when I drop them off at daycare - or if that anxious and excited sensation that overcomes me on my way home from work(the energy that forces my foot to press a bit harder on the gas pedal) will every subside and finally disappear.

Abigael just came through a tremendous growth spurt. She grew 2.5 inches and gained 2 lbs some ounces in just two and a half months! She's still a little dainty girl...with a precious round belly and cute chubby thighs that, well...are a miniature version of mine :) I think she's chubby because Noam NEVER had a fat roll on his long torso EVER. Abbys is just one roll after another. But many people comment on how little she really is - and how I have to fatten her up.

At six months she babbles and coos and has the most endearing belly laugh. She sits up, but not too long nor too steadily. She does not have a fascination with her feet and toes as Noam did, nor the same loving response to rhythmn and music...but she is as content as content could be. Also unlike Noam was. When she wears piggy tails she looks like BOO in Monsters, Inc.

I write all this down because I miss her. When I bring her to daycare she is sleeping. When I pick her up from daycare she is sleeping. She wakes up around 8:30 to eat one more time before bed - and that's it. I get the weekends to play with her.

I miss her all day. She's growing up without me. In just a short six months of life, Abigael has already had great purpose. She will be debuting in a national Sanctity of Life letter going out to over 5,000 across the nation. I hope her story gives other women courage to choose life and see the face of God in their own precious babies.

So where I may be missing her - she may just be showing up in your mailbox in just a few months! Pray that I will cherish every precious minute I have with her. Until I can REALLY invest in her life and spirit.