Before and After (2.5 weeks after and 30 lbs lighter)
Everyone has to come to grips with reality sometime. Some look in the mirror and see something other than what is staring back at them; denial can be a fierce enemy.
Either you see yourself as a monster and hate everything about yourself or you see something you adore. It seems to me, that it is black and white, but changing daily...one day everything just had to go! and the next day I'd tell myself, Ok - so you're not America's next top model but you're fine, you're ok....I never thought I was obese - I did not have any size X clothes, I did not ever shop in the plus size departments...but I also did not consider the fact that I weighed more than most people I know who are at least 6 inches taller. If a camera adds ten pounds, everyone looking at me had two cameras in each eye...
There was a time when I was pretty vain, spent hours on myself and was a huge clothes horse with all the top brand names. I also incurred a TON of debt! But I decided that it's better for me to let people get what they see. I have not faked anything or disguised anything in many years; all natural I was! (except for my wedding day - my first pedi/mani!) After I got married I totally let mysel fall apart. I did not do anything for myself either. Going to the grocery store in pajama bottoms and a tank top with (another gasp!) bra straps showing was no big deal, before I was married, I'd have to apply makeup, do my hair and coordinate my clothes just to go to the Taco Bell drivethrough...
Several years ago we had a family get get together and my two older sisters, both beautiful and thin and stylish, came bounding in with their kids in toe...with (gasp) hair dissheveled, wrinkled attire and looking just plain tired. I snobbily murmured to my mother, "Is that what happens when you have kids????" She laughed and said, "you'll see!"
I see now. It is hard to take time for yourself with children to constantly have an eye on and care for. But, looking at about two years worth of pictures last night with "someone" - I was aghast.
I commented on how large I looked in a series of photos (9 months pregnant and 1 month post-partum) and someone said, "yea. It was getting pretty darn scary. I was afraid it'd be like a Jerry Springer scenario where a film crew would be showing the world a forklift rescuing you from the inside of your house."
OUCH!
For one friend, the pivotal moment causing a paradigm shift in the way she took care of herself was attempting to run - but only to the mailbox. Baby steps! As she was running down her short driveway, a truck drove past slowly and the man inside yelled out the window, "MOO - MOOOOOO!" Ok, she thought - I'm a cow. I have to keep running....She has not stopped running to this day and is a size 4 compared to the 14 she used to be.
For another friend, it was the sensation of her two thighs rubbing together when she walked. The very first time she felt it, she determined to walk miles a day until they were appropriately shaped and NOT touching!
For me, it was the comment that I was so heavy someone feared I'd become trapped inside my home. That means someone thought I was bigger than a doorway. Someone thought if I sat on a chair it could collapse. Someone saw me as fearfully fat.
This brings me to the question - why did Someone tell me this after I lost 35 pounds and not when I gained the 45 from my thyroid disorder (which by the way corrected itself by giving birth to Abigael!)
No one wants to say it, every one wants to placate.
When we look at people on the street (I'm a people watcher!) and we see someone overweight or obese - how does that shape our opinion of them? People may have looked at me and thought, wow. She's fat! She must sit and eat all day. Well, I would tell them that Prednizone causes "temporary" weight gain (and a hunch back!) but that I was on the temporary medication for 10+ years straight! Then, I obtained a thyroid disorder from being pregnant with Noam, and that went undetected until he was 1.5 yrs old!
I know it sounds like I'm defending myself. Ok, so I am.
For my blog readers - I no longer have a thyroid disorder. I no longer take Prednizone. I'm no longer pregnant. So. I'm going to do whatever it takes to never embarrass someone or anyone with me because they think I'm going to cause a seen not fititng in a doorway or in a seat. I will lose the weight. I will get healthy. I will be disciplined in my diet. I will walk (not run) through Moos and Moos and Oinks and Oinks so my thighs won't touch each other.
Just curious - would you tell someone thank you or be upset? I'm grateful for the truth, I'm always appreciative of concern - but timing is a factor...yes? Maybe someone never mentioned it because I never asked....
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