Embracing and Exchanging

Many thoughts are cluttering my mind and I am hoping to capture them, organize them and toss out the garbage. I've been thinking mostly about a few things I've heard lately that continue running through my mind like a hamster on a wheel.

First, I heard this, "Everyone's sin is everyone's business". Hmmm. Do you think that it true? This is going to take a while to break-down and you'll have to read the history before I come to a conclusion -

When I first heard this on the radio by a pastor who's name escapes me at the moment - I have to admit I was skeptical, maybe even I scoffed with a very slight "pshhaw". My reaction is not surprising because I know that lately I have been extremely protective over my personal life. It is not something that I share easily...series of events that others see as overwhelming, but I have not allowed myself the liberty to really...process them. Of course, I did not want to hear that every one's sin is every one's business because I don't want anybody knowing my business! The more I share it seems the more shame I bear. The shame is either false or it is real. Let's see. Is it wrong for two Christians to marry? Not that I know of and not that scripture tells me. Is it sinful to marry a divorced man? Ok. I honestly did not know how to answer this question when facing engagement...or even dating a divorced man. I recommend reading Jay Adams' Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage. I will not say that I sinned marrying a divorced man. But, to be brutally honest with myself - I compromised. Yes, we shared our faith and were both growing in Christ, but I fell in the trap many women fall into and believed that some things (bad habits, lifestyle choices and evident patterns) would change once we were married. I didn't think those things would change and improve because he married me - but I assumed through the process of sanctification that it would...just happen. When my husband asked my father for my hand in marriage, my father said NO and stuck to this decision for a considerable time. My father later consented but I can't help but wonder if it is because I repeatedly defended my husband instead of honoring what was perhaps my father's wisdom and discernment.

We were married and on our wedding night a child was conceived. Our marriage was supercharged with trials that first year and the emotional and physical factors took a toll on my body. I was in the hospital several times while pregnant due to being badly beaten and having pnuemonia (stress CAN and WILL affect your health!) I went to counseling, I contacted the proper authorities for protection and willingly placed myself under the authority of my church. Was there sin there? Not on my part...unless I used pregnancy hormones as an excuse to NOT be a gentle and quiet wife...

My son was born and it was a time of celebration and joy and love and appreciation in our family. Three months post-partum, I had a stroke. I returned to work after 3 days returning home from the hospital, recovering from a c-section. I worked full-time and my husband was the primary caretaker. I breastfed and was up for midnight feedings. I also tried to control every aspect of my home while working, which drove my husband further and further away from me.
Was there sin there? Not blatantly; I was being responsible, I was multi-tasking, I was providing for my family - I was a mom! Perhaps, though, I was too self-sufficient and let go of my dependence on the Lord.

After the stroke and during physical therapy and continuing to work full-time, I developed a seizure disorder as well. I was told I had to stop breastfeeding (which was extremely difficult for me emotionally!) and that I even could not hold my infant son. About one month in to weekly lab tests and therapy and neurologist appointments, driving myself to work with a shiny handicap placard in my car - my husband left...Left for a week training in Chicago in order to maintain a job here in Michigan. During his week stay I had no contact with me, couldn't get him on the phone - and later learned he transferred his work location from GR to Chicago. He did not plan on returning home. He was gone for 8 months during which relationships with his two sons from his marriage were deeply deeply broken and several charges added to a new and daunting criminal record. Though I never received a phone call or visit from him, I continued to support him - sent him money for gas, for his cell phone - for whatever...and I chose to visit him in Chicago (clearly unwanted) whenever I could. When my son turned 1, he decided he wanted to be a husband and father again.

He returned. My family loved him as though nothing had happened. My husband apologized to my parents. We agreed his return was "trial" and he could stay and continue working on reconciliation as long as he went to counseling, continued with his court-appointed activities, tried to find stable employment and went to church. Our elder and counselor advised me I was not wrong for wanting to forgive him and giving him opportunity to work toward reconciliaton- but he warned me that true repentance is unmistakable and I would know if his heart was in the right place.

We went to counseling and were asked not to return; the counselor stated he could not help the man who did not want or need help. He told me I was welcome to come alone.
We found a new church and loved it - and were soon accepting free biblical counseling.
Soon after finding a part-time job, the counseling stopped on his end as well as going to church with me. Our marriage became a daily heartached and everytime I saw a neighbor I felt my place and husband and I represented the "black eye" of our neighborhood. I was so ashamed. I thought the Lord restored what the locusts had eaten but found out that not only did the locusts destroy even more; wolves and foxes came in and rooted up whatever good fruit was left. He left again for Illinios (I think) 7 months after coming home and I have not heard from him since.
Was there sin there? I'm on the fence. Half my circle thinks I'm an idiot for letting him come back and forgiving him. (but I wonder if I ever truly did forgive him - I was pretty angry and untrusting!) The other half applauded me for exhausting every possibility in working toward honoring my marriage vows. I had to learn through all of this - to focus only on the thoughts and will of GOD. Every other "opinion" had no weight in my decisions; though I did covet and seek wise and BIBLICAL counsel, feeling very much like Saul who was blinded and required leading toward the Lord and a new life in HIM.

When he left, we had just learned that I was expecting and that I had been carrying twins, but one was "absorbed" into the other and we would expect a baby the end of June. This was expecially difficult for me, mostly because I am a twin myself, separated at birth.
I had just been offered a full-time job.
Three days after he left, I had an ultrasound tech, fetal specialist and a geneticist tell me that my baby had all the markers for Trisomy 18 - and they offered me early termination and/or more genetic testing.
I was truly broken. I did not have time to mourn the loss of my marriage, my husband, my hopes and dreams. I only prayed and grieved for my baby, whom I was convinced I would lose.
I finally decided, about one month later, to have an amniocentesis. I waited 5 days and learned that though she DID have every single marker for the genetic disorder - she did not have Trisomy 18, nor Downs, nor Trisomy 13. Chromosomes don't lie! With five doctors' appointments every two weeks and day care to arrange for once I knew my husband would not return, and having to stay home three days to nurse a son who had a double ear infection and pnuemonia while I had a sinus infection, strep throat and "walking pneumonia"...I was fired for being undependable. My boss suggested I was lying about my husband leaving and having so many medical issues. Her argument was "well, you're hardly a basket case.".

If my baby had proven positive for Trimosy 18 or any other genetic disorder - would that have been a result of sin? Perhaps. This baby was conceived against my will and completely by force. Could I have prevented being fired? I'm not sure...
This brings me to the second thought:
Why did this happen...Why is this happening?
Here I am, a single mom, expecting my second child under two years of age within one month's time, unemployed and on staate assistance for medical care and food stamps.
Talk about shame! I could ask "why me?", but I know the answer is this: People are watching. They've heard me talk about my Lord and Savior. They are seeing if I cling to him through this or let go. I recently took a phone call from the one friend I still have from my high school days (and I didn't go to high school with him). He told me how excellent his life is right now; how he has the career of his dreams, fulfilling and high-paying, how he's a new proud homeowner, how all his relationships with family are at their best and seem to have no threat, how he's found a woman he thinks he can share life with. After all this and celebrating his great life, he spoke another word. He paused, sighed and with a trembling voice he said "but..." He then proceeded to tell me that everyday he thinks about how wonderful his life is and then gets pricked somewhere inside with the inkling that he does not have everything...and how his thoughts turn to me, the one friend he has who seems to be in a constant battle, who has nothing to show for her life, who's health and quality of life is the poorest of any one he knows...a struggling, physically afflicted, unemployed and abandoned single mom expecting another baby to raise alone. I aksed him if he thinks of me because he feels guilty that he has what I don't have. He said no. He said he thinks of me because somehow he knows I have everything that he doesn't have - what he has can be taken away but the one thing I have I can never lose. And then he said this: I need God. I need God in my life. And, Amy - I need him the way YOU have him.
How much more convincing do I need? PEOPLE are watching - and I hope through the flames I come out so pure and flawless that NO ONE can deny the glory of God...

My prayer is that I will be found faithful. My daily activity outside of being a mom (an expectant one at that!) and taking my 11 pills and 1 injection to stay alive -- is embracing every moment because I know that every moment is hand given to me by God, trusting that EACH MOMENT is propelling me toward achieving victory. And when I feel hard-pressed and alone and overwhelmed, I exchange my hurt and anger and bitterness and grief and fears and sadness and worries to the Lord who willingly keeps taking it all with one loving and caring hand- and offers me strength and encouragement and increased faith with the other mighty and outstretched hand.

So as he gives me grace for grace like waves continuosly coming upon the shore - I embrace and exchange and am given even more!

I do, now, believe that my sin is every one's business. It has affected everyone around me and I am constantly bearing consequences of my husbands' past and present sins. Our children will, too. My family and friends have hurt through all this as well. It crushes me to know my mother stays up nights crying, worrying and hurting over my place in life RIGHT NOW.
But if I can faithfully and joyfully, entrust all to the Lord with full hope and lack of fear - maybe my mother can, too.

Have thine own way, Lord. All to Him, I surrender. I will leave to Him to order and provide.

Waiting

Today is a rainy day, cool, dim and uneventful.
I slept with the windows open and though the wind was restless, I was not.
God gives rest to those he loves and he most certainly loved me much and loved me well through the night! Even though my son woke me countless times with sleep talking and short bursts of crying fits, I was not affected at all by being awoken repeatedly.
When I awoke, I was certain I had slept through half the day and my son's diaper would be a mass of urine weighing 20 pounds and he'd be listless lying in wait for me to feed him...but he was still sound asleep and looking like an adorable and angelic babe. It was only 7 am!
I was ready to start my day - but did not have much on my agenda. I had to make a few phone calls, schedule an appointment, fax in a form for unemployment and get some groceries.
As I entered the kitchen for my morning cup of joe, I noticed that my kitchen was NEW. It was definitely not in the condition I left it when I retired the night before. Where my island tends to reveal my tendency to organize by piling and my sink lately blatantly tattles that I'm too lazy and tired to do my supper dishes...the counters were cleared, the cupboards wiped down and the floor was glistening from being swept and mopped. My new roommate (she rents my basement and shares my main floor space) must have decided to be a true night owl and clean for me.
What a gift! Keeping up with my kitchen floor has caused me a lot of stress now that I'm 8 + months pregnant and way too uncomfortable to get down on my hands and knees to scour and scrub!
I've made my phone calls and will wait until after dinner to go to the store.
I haven't done much since waking up. Changed Noam's diaper over and over, fed him (over and over!), tidied up my bedroom and bathroom and picked up two lamps Noam knocked down only to discover they broke from the fall. Two broken lamps in one day! He's been busy and I can't keep up!
I'm waiting. I sit on the couch and I wait. I wait for an encouraging word. I wait for the first of three or all three unemployment checks to come in the mail. I wait for my attorney to call. I wait for my baby to come. I should not have nested so early - my bags are all packed and I'm ready to go, but I have nothing to do but just sit and wait.
As I wait, I contemplate what I am waiting for. In one sense, I'm waiting for my life to begin again - to see if I can really do this single mom thing, go to school, work a full-time job, meet a man and marry again...have "success" as us Americans define it.
But in another sense, I wait on the Lord to conform my will to his - waiting for whatever he wants to give me or provide me with and knowing that his grace is sufficient and that those who trust in him lack no good thing.
As I wait, I see only him...and I trust.

Upon the Mt. of Transfiguration: Matthew 17:8"And lifing up their eys, they saw NO ONE, EXCEPT JESUS HIMSELF ALONE!"And so may it be with me!