I used to be the girl...

I used to be the girl
who believed in dreams come true
and that you could get orange from the color blue
that cried while watching the news
and cotton commercials -though I did not choose
to have emotions on my sleeve
and for every hurt to grieve and grieve

and then.
I stopped.

Now i'm the girl who's solid like a rock
steady and predictable like time's tick tock
I will cry after hysterical laughing
but not shed a tear from trials I've having

until yesterday.

I was aware that I no longer was free to hug and absent-mindedly put my hand on your elbow as we spoke, or say "I love you" verbally or twirl in circles alone in my room just for feeling giddy without reason. I was aware that teddy bears and hearts and chocolate and sappy songs irritated me. I was aware that I groaned inside whenever someone else around me cried. And I wrote in my journal:

"he must not have loved me, because he did not break me. Someone come and love me, take my heart and tear it up, break it - give me a breakdown. I want to meltdown. I'm void of love and got a stock-pile of rocks that shine but do nothing else. I don't know how to shed a tear, I want to sob - I want to cry SO BADLY...but I can't. I have had no reason to - but I had every reason to be in bed all day unraveling toilet paper to grab the goo stuck on my face from exploding sinuses and tears and sobs and trying to breathe. I did not miss love; I can't remember what it is - so therefore, I could not grieve what I never knew. Maybe he left me this way after breaking my spirit like an oak tree being whittled away - hour after hour, day after day.

People say I'm so strong, that I've learned to endure - but to become an airtight container...surely that is not the cure. I just want to break down.

If you love me, then please take my heart and tear it up."

I wrote that a few months ago. And for the first time in a long, long, long, long time - I have allowed myself to cry for a PERIOD OF TIME (sure I cried in a counseling office and in a doctor's office and when my friend died...but I grabbed myself by the shoulders and shook myself until my teeth rattled, pulled up my big-girl panties, sucked up the tears and composed myself within seconds - a minute at the longest). Yesterday, I started to cry. And I'm still crying. The body broke me so that I can return to return to the body even stronger. It's not a bad thing. Winter is gone - it's time for spring. I'm ready to be effie - and just AMES again. I've returned! (and yes, I twirled)