I'm Alive!

I have no idea what the radio program was or who the speaker was, but something I heard one of the earlier mornings this week caused some great rumination.

The man was asking if we know what we look like as God sees us at our very best. He was speaking to the individual. He said to the one who answers that question with, "I have no idea" to begin reading the Word of God. (I'm sure it could give us some clues!) :-)

He pointed out that we should, when trying to envision, avoid thinking about PERFORMANCE. We do live in a performance driven generation, don't we? I think about myself and my own self-issued goal to achieve a deadline in advance. I'm sure there is pride in that goal.

What I have really been trying to process is his next statement - what makes you feel alive? If you can answer this - you're on your way to seeing yourself at your best - and then finding what God has called you to do for him." I think he is saying, "if something makes you feel alive -if there is already life in something you do or experience, God will equip you (if he has not already called you) to use that for his glory and purpose.

Things that make me feel alive:
Having the right answer...first! (sin)
When I win (sin)
great theological debates (except that one time that made me go "almost" crazy where I wound up in tears and was shaking all over)
When I learn something very practical that make life easier (example: tildes in excel, shortcut keys in MS applications)
When my children laugh
When my children reach out for me
Nursing my babies (I'm done now. Tear, tear, sniff sniff)
when I was pregnant with my kids. The little life inside moving built so much great anticipation!
Worship, community or in solitude
Putting words together in such a way that they actually look like something new is being said
trees
doing a random and anonymous act of kindness or giving
creativity (mine or someone elses)
Being on the water - deep sea fishing on Guam, pulling in that 15 lb rainbow runner!
the GREEN FLASH! (only on Guam!)
Sitting at the cool spot (only on Guam!)
Helping
Being specifically called upon to counsel, administer, pray
the idea of being a roller derby champion
Helping someone make progress
Writing worship songs
Writing silly songs for my kids
Witnessing a miracle and answered prayers
Hearing testimonies
Being remembered for something I have said or done, but in a positive way
-and more practically: coffee, the color orange, a citrus kiss, really really good Korean food, soup, and looking (or feeling like I look) really good in a dress!

So. My question is...when do you feel alive? Where? Are you in the right place?

I miss my Abby

Back to the grind after three really long weekends in the last month. I loved Christmas time this year. I was able to just BE and spend time with my precious children. I wonder if I will ever completely get over the sadness I feel every morning when I drop them off at daycare - or if that anxious and excited sensation that overcomes me on my way home from work(the energy that forces my foot to press a bit harder on the gas pedal) will every subside and finally disappear.

Abigael just came through a tremendous growth spurt. She grew 2.5 inches and gained 2 lbs some ounces in just two and a half months! She's still a little dainty girl...with a precious round belly and cute chubby thighs that, well...are a miniature version of mine :) I think she's chubby because Noam NEVER had a fat roll on his long torso EVER. Abbys is just one roll after another. But many people comment on how little she really is - and how I have to fatten her up.

At six months she babbles and coos and has the most endearing belly laugh. She sits up, but not too long nor too steadily. She does not have a fascination with her feet and toes as Noam did, nor the same loving response to rhythmn and music...but she is as content as content could be. Also unlike Noam was. When she wears piggy tails she looks like BOO in Monsters, Inc.

I write all this down because I miss her. When I bring her to daycare she is sleeping. When I pick her up from daycare she is sleeping. She wakes up around 8:30 to eat one more time before bed - and that's it. I get the weekends to play with her.

I miss her all day. She's growing up without me. In just a short six months of life, Abigael has already had great purpose. She will be debuting in a national Sanctity of Life letter going out to over 5,000 across the nation. I hope her story gives other women courage to choose life and see the face of God in their own precious babies.

So where I may be missing her - she may just be showing up in your mailbox in just a few months! Pray that I will cherish every precious minute I have with her. Until I can REALLY invest in her life and spirit.

Crewless or Cluless?

The christian life was considered by Paul as running a race (1 Co 9:24; 2 Tim 4:7).

These last few years' events have created great need for perseverance along with endurance.

I have desired to run the race; "hit the ground running", move "full speed ahead" and not be slowed down by allowing myself to be a victim of circumstance or consequence. I know that when trials ensue; the Lord has a purpose and people are observing not only how I run but also what the Lord will accomplish through it.

Struggling and fatigued, I continued to run often thinking of the great cloud of witnesses (Heb 12:1) and the audience of my life and not wanting to let either down. Some in my audience have exited and become part of that cloud of witnesses; I miss them and feel great loss.

As I cried out to a friend in recent days and confessed to her that I no longer want to be strong - that I feel it is required of me to be strong, how burdening that responsibility felt to me. She asked me what I think that means.

I told her that I must not stop. I must keep going. I must lead with outstanding victory. Surely if I did, all would see how the Lord is fueling me. She prodded me to think of what "strength" looks like to me and basically I concluded with "not needing help."

At the same time, I have been feeling incredibly lonely; without true fellowship and accountability. I want to share the testimonies God has given me to give Him glory, but I also need to be encouraged and held accountable in the discipline of "working out my faith" and through the sanctification process.

I thought of a race-car driver. The racer stops. The racer has a pit crew. The racer has a better chance of completing the race as a champion with a crew he can count on and a crew that keeps him on "pit stop" schedule.

I felt that I was crewless. I wanted to stop the race for respite, repair, refueling...even to rejoice in how far I've come thus far. But where was my crew?

I called out to God and I cried to my friend. I lie prostrate through the evening into dawn meditating on the Word of God and allowed it to instruct me. I prayed for strengthening IN HIM and I prayed that he would give me a purpose; and that to fulfill that purpose faithfully, I asked him to equip me.

With swollen and red eyes, I went through the day receiving one encouragement after another. Distant and close friends reaching out to me like waves on a sea shore, grace for grace.

I don't know much about racing so I looked up "pit crew" using Google. I found this on Wikipedia:

In motorsports, a pit stop is where a racing vehicle stops in the pits during a race for refuelling, new tires, repairs, mechanical adjustments, a driver change, or any combination of the above. By making pit stops cars can carry less fuel, and therefore be lighter and faster, and use softer tires that wear faster but provide more grip. Teams usually plan for each of their cars to pit following a planned schedule, the number of stops determined by the fuel capacity of the car, tire lifespan, and tradeoff of time lost in the pits versus how much time may be gained on the race track through the benefits of pit stops. Choosing the optimum pit strategy of how many stops to make and when to make them is crucial in having a successful race. It is also important for teams to take competitors' strategies into account when planning pit stops, to avoid being "held up" behind other cars and unable to overtake them. An unscheduled or extended stop, such as for a repair, can be very costly for a driver's chance of success, because while the car is stopped for service, cars remaining on the track can rapidly gain distance on the stopped car.

I was convicted. I confess now that I am not crewless; I was clueless.

It is okay for me to recognize areas in which I need help. It is okay to ask for that help. It is okay for me to stop, even better if I schedule one. It is ok for me to have a team and to know the value each member brings. If I don't...I will run on empty, I will crash, I will burn; I will lose the race and I will not have part in victory. Though I have been running and running and running (on pride); I have been overtaken by the obstacles I ignorantly thought I could run over. Breaking down can be very costly when pursuing excellence! How can I run a race without acknowledging there will be pits? I am learning it is ok to recognize when in a pit. Sometimes life is the pits! But that doesn't mean the race is lost. It does not mean there is no help. It does not mean I am a lone. God promises that!

Thanks be to God for strategically placing people in my life; whether they be in the audience, the time keeper, the sponsors, the pit crew members, the great cloud of witnesses - for with their help I continue to run the race.

I shall not overlook them going forward.